The Moses-God Fight

Allan Callahan

The Moses-God Fight - Yahweh burning bush

There is a passage in the Bible that used to puzzle me. It says that God once attempted to kill Moses. It reads: “And it came to pass by the way in the inn, that the Lord met him, and sought to kill him.” (Exodus 4:24; King James Version). This, of course, means that God tried to kill him, and failed! Imagine the Ruler of the Universe trying to kill someone, and not being able to do the job. Of course, Moses may have been a super-kike, but he was still only mortal, nonetheless. We think of God as being immensely powerful, but maybe he isn’t as strong as we think. Elsewhere in the Bible it says that: “And the Lord was with Judah; and he drove out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron” (Judges 1:19).

Still, he is no doubt plenty strong. He must be if he is able to lug around a planet under each arm, and indeed hurl whole galaxies into space with the flick of his wrist. So why couldn’t he kill Moses? Was he getting too old, or was he sick and run down at the time, or what? The Bible doesn’t say. But I had always been intrigued by the battle itself. A “Dock A Brawl” must have taken place, it appeared. And if God attacked Moses, the latter must have fought back with a vengeance, and apparently did a good job of defending himself, causing the attack to fail.

But how to find out? The only way, I assumed, was to get a vision, or a revelation, from heaven. So for three days and nights, pausing only for prayer and sleep, I concentrated on getting this revelation, and heaven finally rewarded me.

Here is what happened: Moses had been whooping it up with some of his pals at Hymie’s Bar & Grill (referred to as the “inn” in the Bible). God arrived and crawled up on the edge of the roof, by the front door. When Moses made his exit an hour or so later, God made a surprise attack by jumping off on to his back. Moses was knocked heavily to the ground, but was up on his feet again instantly.

They squared off. Moses was taller, but God was better muscled. He was a little bit bowlegged, probably due to many years of horseback riding. (Yes, God does ride horses. See Hab. 3:8). Moses knew he had to avoid God’s fearful grip to have any chance of winning, so he could not let it turn into a wrestling match. He would have to box him. And this is exactly what he did. God bored in, trying to grab Moses, but the latter would jab, step away, and throw an occasional right. All the Jewish bar-flies poured out of the inn and gathered around, cheering them on. Round and round the opponents went, God vainly stumbling forward, while Moses kept him off balance, rocking him with punches.

In the end, it was a case of “youth will prevail.” God began to tire. (Yes, God also gets tired. See Is. 1:14.) A right cross from his younger opponent knocked him to his knees. He wearily struggled to his feet. Moses quickly knocked him down again, and this time he stayed, until they poured water on him to bring him around.

In the end, when Moses’s hand was raised in victory, God’s face was unrecognizable. It was the worst beating a deity had ever taken.

On another occasion, Moses defeated God in a verbal argument, causing him to repent. (Ex. 32:9-14.) But who would have thought he could beat him in a physical test?

It was after the fight had taken place that the famous incident occurred where the Most High showed Moses his “back parts.” (Ex. 33;23.) Although a lot of time had elapsed since the fight, God’s face had still not healed. (Wounds heal very slowly in the intense cold of outer space, where the Big Jew hangs out most of the time.) God was ashamed of all his cuts and bruises, and did not want Moses to see them.

Of course, it can be argued that Moses was lucky to have whipped old Yahweh, and I agree with this. And if God had kept on trying to kill him by hook or crook, no doubt he would have succeeded, sooner or later. But God never tried it again. Perhaps he repented, who knows? He had repented of things before. (According to Jer. 15:6 he once got tired of repenting.)

At any rate, dear reader, if you, too, have wondered why the Lord Of All Creation tried and failed to kill Moses, I am happy to share my heavenly revelation with you.

SOURCE: The Liberty Bell, May 1990

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